Many parents mistakenly assume that their teenagers don’t want to talk with them. This assumption comes from the fact that teenagers are very poor at initiating conversation, especially on emotional issues. Parental confusion comes from the fact that prior to the onset of puberty, their kids would tell them everything that happened. Suddenly, silence. This major change from the pre-puberty age is usually the result of the hormonal changes and the brain reorganization that accompanies puberty, and is not the result of conscious decisions on the part of teenagers not to talk to their parents. Understanding that teens are poor communicators, but really do want to talk to their parents is an important step as it removes the resentment from parents who take their teenagers’ relative silence personally.
Unfortunately, while knowing teens want to communicate helps, it does not actually stimulate the conversations that are so important in keeping in touch with teenagers’ lives. It is therefore essential to know how to stimulate communication and, more importantly, how not to block it. The first principle of stimulating communication with teens is a simple but vital one. In order to have conversations with their teenagers, parents must be in a relaxed setting with them. This means that parents must have the time to spend with their children doing leisure activities or even doing chores together. These activities include going for walks, going shopping together or playing board games.
While this may sound simple it has become very difficult in modern society. Parents, especially fathers, are very busy - usually with work. By the time they get home they are tired and often stressed. They do not have the time or energy to spend with their teens that will result in communication. On weekends parents are catching up on the housework and chores and again find themselves too busy to spend time with the kids. Since they are often under the erroneous impression that their teenagers do not want to spend time with them anyway, the parents usually do not try to make relaxed time with the kids a priority. The fact is that while teens might not want to spend as much time with their parents as they once did, they still enjoy their company. Parents need to invite their teenagers to go for walks or help them with the grocery shopping and when they accept, use the time to catch up on what’s happening in their lives.
Spending relaxed time with teens sets the scene for communication, but it is usually not enough. Parents also need to learn how to be good questioners to get conversations started. To do this it is important to know something about what is happening in their lives. For example, a question like “How was school today?” will probably elicit a one word answer, such as “Fine”. More specific questions like “How was your Math test today?” might be more effective. If this too elicits a brief reply ask another one, such as “How do you think you did on it?” or “Were the questions what you expected?” It often takes 3 or 4 questions before the conversation starts to flow. You can ask questions about their hobbies or sports, the music they are listening to, or about their friends of either sex. Becoming a skilled questioner is vital to this parent-teen communication process.
Finally, parents need to become effective listeners if this process, once started, is to continue to flow. Making eye contact and focusing on what is being said is the first step in becoming a good listener. Parents often make the mistake of continuing what they are doing (such as making supper or reading the paper) while insisting that they are listening, but teens are rarely fooled. They want an active listener – as in fact we all do.
Another aspect of the listening process is avoiding actions that block communication. Primary among these actions is interrupting. Even if you are sure you know what the teen is talking about and have a brilliant answer for the problem, do not interrupt. Teens hate this and will not continue the conversation. Similarly, showing emotion blocks communication immediately. Any time a parent appears to be upset by what he or she is hearing, the teen will shut down. Displaying anger, shock or hurt is a guarantee that the teen will not discuss that subject with their parents again. Instead the parent needs to remain calm and get clarification (through questioning) about their teenager’s involvement in the issue.
The potential for showing emotion usually arises whenever the subject being discussed is an emotional one itself, such as drinking, drug use or sex. A teenager’s casual mention of a friend doing drugs can bring a shocked statement such as “Your friends are doing drugs?” This shock will bring the conversation to an abrupt end and parents will not hear of issues such as these again. A more effective procedure is to calmly ask a question such as “Do all your friends do drugs?” which can then lead to (again calmly) “Are you doing any drugs?” These sensitive subjects are potential minefields for effective communication and parents need to be prepared to handle them well.
Finally, there are some important guidelines for when you are talking to your teen. The first is to avoid lecturing. Teens are usually bright enough to know what they have done wrong so a long lecture is only going to elicit a bored response (such as eye rolling), which can infuriate parents. Instead keep the conversation short and to the point. Similarly yelling will only exacerbate the situation. Parents need to stay calm when dealing with teenagers or the situation will quickly spin out of control. Once the ten becomes emotional nothing rational is going to occur and many things may be said that everyone will regret. Staying calm means parents will be able to think more clearly and they will not be likely to make the teen angry as well.
Communicating with teenagers is not easy, but it is also not nearly as difficult as most parents believe. Teens do want to talk with their parents but it is up to the parent to actually make this happen.