Unfortunately, while knowing teens want to communicate helps, it does not actually stimulate the conversations that are so important in keeping in touch with teenagers’ lives. It is therefore essential to know how to stimulate communication and, more importantly, how not to block it. The first principle of stimulating communication with teens is a simple but vital one. In order to have conversations with their teenagers, parents must be in a relaxed setting with them. This means that parents must have the time to spend with their children doing leisure activities or even doing chores together. These activities include going for walks, going shopping together or playing board games.

While this may sound simple it has become very difficult in modern society. Parents, especially fathers, are very busy - usually with work. By the time they get home they are tired and often stressed. They do not have the time or energy to spend with their teens that will result in communication. On weekends parents are catching up on the housework and chores and again find themselves too busy to spend time with the kids. Since they are often under the erroneous impression that their teenagers do not want to spend time with them anyway, the parents usually do not try to make relaxed time with the kids a priority. The fact is that while teens might not want to spend as much time with their parents as they once did, they still enjoy their company. Parents need to invite their teenagers to go for walks or help them with the grocery shopping and when they accept, use the time to catch up on what’s happening in their lives.

Spending relaxed time with teens sets the scene for communication, but it is usually not enough. Parents also need to learn how to be good questioners to get conversations started. To do this it is important to know something about what is happening in their lives. For example, a question like “How was school today?” will probably elicit a one word answer, such as “Fine”. More specific questions like “How was your Math test today?” might be more effective. If this too elicits a brief reply ask another one, such as “How do you think you did on it?” or “Were the questions what you expected?” It often takes 3 or 4 questions before the conversation starts to flow. You can ask questions about their hobbies or sports, the music they are listening to, or about their friends of either sex. Becoming a skilled questioner is vital to this parent-teen communication process.

Finally, parents need to become effective listeners if this process, once started, is to continue to flow. Making eye contact and focusing on what is being said is the first step in becoming a good listener. Parents often make the mistake of continuing what they are doing (such as making supper or reading the paper) while insisting that they are listening, but teens are rarely fooled. They want an active listener – as in fact we all do.

Another aspect of the listening process is avoiding actions that block communication. Primary among these actions is interrupting. Even if you are sure you know what the teen is talking about and have a brilliant answer for the problem, do not interrupt. Teens hate this and will not continue the conversation. Similarly, showing emotion blocks communication immediately. Any time a parent appears to be upset by what he or she is hearing, the teen will shut down. Displaying anger, shock or hurt is a guarantee that the teen will not discuss that subject with their parents again. Instead the parent needs to remain calm and get clarification (through questioning) about their teenager’s involvement in the issue.

The potential for showing emotion usually arises whenever the subject being discussed is an emotional one itself, such as drinking, drug use or sex. A teenager’s casual mention of a friend doing drugs can bring a shocked statement such as “Your friends are doing drugs?” This shock will bring the conversation to an abrupt end and parents will not hear of issues such as these again. A more effective procedure is to calmly ask a question such as “Do all your friends do drugs?” which can then lead to (again calmly) “Are you doing any drugs?” These sensitive subjects are potential minefields for effective communication and parents need to be prepared to handle them well.

Finally, there are some important guidelines for when you are talking to your teen. The first is to avoid lecturing. Teens are usually bright enough to know what they have done wrong so a long lecture is only going to elicit a bored response (such as eye rolling), which can infuriate parents. Instead keep the conversation short and to the point. Similarly yelling will only exacerbate the situation. Parents need to stay calm when dealing with teenagers or the situation will quickly spin out of control. Once the ten becomes emotional nothing rational is going to occur and many things may be said that everyone will regret. Staying calm means parents will be able to think more clearly and they will not be likely to make the teen angry as well.

Communicating with teenagers is not easy, but it is also not nearly as difficult as most parents believe. Teens do want to talk with their parents but it is up to the parent to actually make this happen.

A combination of recent research with the anecdotal experiences of many therapists and social workers indicates that the incidence of bullying in schools is actually on the rise. This fact is causing considerable consternation among school authorities and parents alike. Although little action is yet being taken to determine what is going wrong, it appears to this author that the increase in bullying is a result of three factors.

The first is that the root causes of bullying are not being addressed. To be a bully a person must be both aggressive and have a hostile attitude towards life. They tend to perceive provocation everywhere, which allows them to justify their aggressiveness towards others. Whether these tendencies are born in children, for which there is some evidence, or developed from family stresses, the key people in preventing future bullying are the parents. They must recognize the aggressive tendencies in their children and take steps to curb them through a combination of disciplinary action and teaching more appropriate behavior. This is rarely happening.

Instead, when many parents are informed that their child has been involved in bullying behavior, they leap to the child’s defence. Many school administrators find themselves being attacked for daring to suggest that a child might be a bully. This occurs either because one or more of the parents is also a bully or through a mistaken belief that parents must support their children no matter what they do. The result is the reinforcement of the bullying behavior by the people who have the best chance to solve the problem.

The next problem is the incredible tolerance to violence that has become a hallmark of North American society. It is seen everywhere, including movies, video games, television and even in the toys that are being produced. The result has been the development of a virtual immunity to violence where bullying is not considered a serious problem. This attitude results in weak support for school anti-bullying campaigns, even among some school officials.

Finally, there is a problem within the schools themselves. While educational programs against bullying may be in effect, it is also necessary to employ disciplinary measures against bullying behaviors. Many schools trumpet their ‘zero tolerance’ policies, but fail to actually back them up. Whether this is because the administrators cannot stand up to aggressive parents or because these officials do not really believe in the necessity of the programs, the result is the same. It is vital that firm and immediate disciplinary action be taken when bullying is detected or reported if it is to be combated effectively. When this does not happen, the educational portions of the programs become futile.

The answers then are clear. Parents must not allow their children to be bullies. They need to talk to such children about the problems that bullying causes and discipline their children when they engage in this behavior. Parents must also raise their voices against the violence being presented in the media. They need to monitor what their children watch and what video games they play. They need to boycott violent entertainment and write letters to the networks and movie producers. Finally schools officials must have the courage of their convictions. They must not permit bullying behaviors within their schools and they cannot back down in the face of aggressive parents. Bullying can have devastating effects on children and its increase in incidence must not be allowed to continue.

Traditions are basically beliefs or customs that are handed down from generation to generation and are maintained in more or less the same way each time they are performed. They need not be strictly involved with holidays. Family vacations might involve going to the same place, at the same time each year. Birthdays might be celebrated in a particular way in some families, and religions have their own set of traditions. These religious traditions are vital in separating one religion from another and, in fact, define the creed. Other major institutions also have important customs, without which they would not be the same. Parliamentary opening ceremonies and university graduations spring readily to mind. Family traditions are usually much less formal than the institutional ones, but are no less important.

The maintenance of family traditions is far more important to children of all ages than most parents realize. Certainly parents recognize how important the coming of Santa Claus is, because the kids get so excited. Try, for example, to teach school the last week before Christmas, and this lesson is clearly driven home. However, the imminent arrival of gifts is not the important part of the tradition. Just as the celebration of Mass helps to define the Roman Catholic religion, family traditions help to determine the boundaries of a family. This is vital to children because the traditions help them to feel more secure by making them part of a clearly defined unit. The traditions make them separate from all their peers and this gives them a sense of belonging.

This belonging is just as important for teenagers as it is to young children, as teens are going through a highly insecure stage and really need the security that a family unit provides. Thus, family traditions need to be emphasized and kept faithfully, no matter what demands are placed on them. If your teen wants to go to a party rather than attend a traditional family dinner, the answer has to be ‘no’. Similarly, if your boss’s Christmas open house is the day you usually go out and cut your tree, again the family custom must come first. As hard as this sometimes might be, the family has to come first. As soon as exceptions start to be made, the tradition dies out and the family has lost what may have been a great moment.

Besides the sense of belonging and security that these routines give to children, they also provide something that is equally as important and that is family time together. Increasingly, as our society becomes faster paced and as economics demand that both parents work, time with children is becoming scarcer. Keeping the traditions each year guarantees that you are spending some time with the kids, and these will never be wasted moments. Once the all too short time between the birth of our children and their leaving home is over, few parents will look back and wish that they had spent more time at work. Most will long for the days when their children needed them and depended upon them.

Teenagers often shake their parents’ faith in the value of traditions because they need to spend so much time with their friends. They will often question the value of the custom and vigorously demand to do something else. Don’t panic. They are often just testing. Insist that traditions be inviolate and that all family members attend. Teens will in fact appreciate this even if, on the surface, they make protestations. It is important, however, that you discuss your reasons for keeping the family customs with teens, since they really do need to know why things are happening. Just keep your temper, make your explanation, and maintain your resolve. Years from now you will see your children keeping the same traditions in their families.

If your family has few real traditions, add some of your own. Try to have something for each season and holiday that is done the same way each year. As the children get older, you may have to modify them a bit – teens rarely enjoy Easter Egg hunts – but make sure you have some. The more traditions, the more clearly the family unit is defined. No matter what religion or set of beliefs you hold, traditions can and should be part of the family.

Merry Christmas to all, enjoy the holiday season and the very best for the New Year.

Recent brain research has shown that a person’s sleep pressure rate, the biological trigger that causes sleepiness, slows down in adolescence, which explains the difficulty they have to go to bed at an appropriate time. Most parents would like their teenagers to be in bed by 10:00 pm so that they can get the nine hours sleep that they need each night. Unfortunately, because of a brain reorganization that takes place during adolescence, they are not usually sleepy at this time. The result is that they fight going to bed when they should because they do not feel sleepy. The sleep pressure does not usually come until one to two hours later.

The inevitable result of not being sleepy at an appropriate bedtime is that teenagers are very sleepy just when they should be getting up. This is when most of the arguments occur. Teens are rarely able to get up on the first call, so parents get angry. They wisely say “If you would just go to be earlier, you would be able to get up more easily�?. This may be true, but it’s not possible for most teens. As a result it takes three or four attempts before the teens can get out of bed.

Another worrisome result for parents of these sleep patterns is the sleep deprivation that occurs. Teenagers rarely get the 9.25 hours of sleep per night that they need on average, so they go into the weekend in a sleep-deprived state. This causes them to sleep until at least noon much of the time, which in turn makes parents think they are lazy. The problem here is not motivation – it’s just biology.

Parents need to understand these altered teenage sleep patterns so that they don’t get angry with their teens, especially in the mornings. Adults need to be patient and persistent with their wake-up calls, and start early enough to accommodate three or four of them. Playing stirring music on the family stereo, like Sousa marches, may also accelerate the process. The main point to remember is that teens are not doing this deliberately. Instead it’s a brain process that requires adult understanding. Try to get them into bed as early as possible, but don’t insist the lights go out. Let them read if they want to, but do not allow them to play video games or watch exciting movies immediately before bed time. This will only cause them to be more awake and delay their sleep pressure even further. With this kind of approach, the battles between parents and their teens over bedtimes and wake-ups will cease to exist.

The key factors to assess are the teachers that the child might have and the courses that are being taken. If there is already a serious personality clash with a teacher, then the parents should go in to the school immediately to look for a remedy. Kids are not able to make the adjustments that an adult might be able to make to a difficult boss. If they are uncomfortable with their teacher, then their learning could be affected. It might even be necessary to request a class change if the problem cannot quickly be resolved through a meeting with all involved. Parents should not let themselves be convinced by the school that changes cannot be made. They always can be with a little effort by the counselor and the principal. Naturally school authorities do not like to make changes once the classes are set, but these are certainly possible when necessary.

The same is true if the course the child is in is wrong for them. Generally these are the core courses, such as English or Mathematics, but occasionally even an option could prove to be difficult for some children. If the course is proving to be too hard (or even too easy) for the child, then once again a change should be requested. To let the situation progress any further than this month would make changes very difficult in a school and would then invite potential failure of the course.

If a change in teacher or course is necessary, then parents should be calm but firm in their approach to the school. Do not march into the school with guns a blazing. This will only invite defensiveness on the part of the school authorities and perhaps defeat your purpose. Principals work hard at balancing their classes and prefer not to change them when they are set. However, when a child’s potential academic success is on the line, parents must do their best to resolve the situation.

There is one important factor in resolving school problems that should also be mentioned. This is that in order to solve a problem, parents must know it exists. This requires that they keep in close communication with their children so that they know what is happening at school. This may seem to be just common sense, but it is amazing how many busy parents fail to pick up on their children’s’ clues about their unhappiness. If the child becomes unusually quiet or irritable, then there may be a problem. If the child continually complains about a certain subject or teacher, then parents should not trivialize these concerns. Delve into the situation to see if parental involvement is necessary. If it is then now is the time to effect any changes that need to be made. Waiting longer could be disastrous.

One of the weakest areas of modern parenting has always been the inability or unwillingness of parents to talk to their children about sex. Many jokes have been made about the awkwardness of ‘the talk’ that parents either don’t give to their children about sex or give it so awkwardly that it only embarrasses both sides. Most parents tend to avoid the subject altogether, perhaps in the belief that if they don’t talk about it, sex will not happen. Obviously the studies show that not only is this not true, but there is far more sexual activity today than in previous recent generations. Of even more concern are the variety of sexual activities that are taking place and the active participation of females in these activities.

As a result it is more important than ever before that parents talk to their children about sex and actively advise them about their moral code and how to handle themselves in sexual encounters. This cannot be done in one talk. Instead parents must be able to talk to their kids about sex whenever an opportunity presents itself. These opportunities come from newspaper articles, television shows, movies and even from blogs like this one. All that is necessary is for a parent to say ‘I read an interesting article today. It said that blah, blah, blah – what do you think?’ This gets the teens involved in a non-threatening way by inviting an opinion and can then be followed by a question such as ‘Do you and your friends do that?’ Parents have to be able to be able to talk about sex with their children as easily as they talk about the weather. If they are at all awkward or avoid certain issues, the teens will pick this up and not want to talk about the subject either.

The key is for parents to keep informed about teenage trends and to actively discuss them with their kids. This way the teens will understand that their parents are available as a resource when a difficult situation arises and will be willing and able to help the teen with any problems that arise. Otherwise, with teen sexual activity as high as it is, the potential for serious problems to arise is dangerously high and parents will be faced with damage control when the problem could have been prevented by frank discussion.

Many parents seem to want to ignore the fact that their children are getting older, and so do not modify their household rules until there is a problem. This is definitely the hard way. Even harder is to not make any rules at all. Teenagers need the safety and security that a set of rules gives them and they always prefer to know where the boundaries are. For these reasons it is most effective for parents to sit down with their teens at the start of each year and ask them what rules they might want to change. It is my experience that teenagers respect this process and rarely try to abuse it. If the changes they propose are agreeable, then set the rules accordingly and do not modify them until the end of the school year. If you cannot accept the suggestions, then try to find a compromise, then set the guidelines.

This process shows the teens that you respect their input and they will be much more inclined to accept the rules when they feel respected and have input into setting them. Some of the areas to cover are curfews, cell phone use, bedtimes, homework times, computer times and video game times. Try to keep in mind that teenagers need an average of 9.25 hours sleep a night. Another key point is to recognize that teenage sleep patterns are very different from that of adults and younger children. They have a wake cycle around 10 PM each night and a sleep cycle that hits around 6 –7 AM each morning. This makes them hard to get to bed and even harder to wake up. Parents should not be discouraged by this – it is the nature of their young bodies. Instead insist that they at least be in bed at the correct time, even if they cannot fall asleep then. Let them read if they want to but do not give in to their entreaties to stay up longer. In the morning be patient and persistent. It is useless to get angry when they don’t leap instantly out of bed. Just keep after them until they do.

All teenagers need guidelines to live by, just as adults must follow the laws of their country and the regulations of their businesses. Teens need to learn this and the best approach is to involve them in the rule-setting process, then ensure that these rules are enforced with appropriate penalties when they occasionally get broken. The whole family will benefit from this process.

Lately a new body image concern has developed. A study published in the August 2005 issue of Pediatrics found that nearly a third of adolescent, and even more frightening, pre-adolescent boys and girls, frequently think about becoming more toned and muscular. The latest trend in body styles appears to be this muscular look as exemplified by such attractive stars as Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Thus, while boys are not as obsessed with weight loss as girls, they are even more vulnerable to this newer form of body dissatisfaction. This look is even more difficult for adolescents to obtain than is a slim appearance as it requires not only the lifting of weights, but many years to develop. Teens are not generally known for their patience and therefore tend to look for shortcuts to the toned look.

These shortcuts tend to include such over-the-counter products as creatine, protein supplements, and amino acid formulations, which are often sold at gyms, and even more dangerous products such as growth hormones, anabolic steroids and injectible steroids, which are purchased illegally. The effects of the over-the-counter products and the proper dosages to use are not well known, opening the door to possible body damage from continued use. The dangers of steroid use are well known, however, and the list of both physical and psychological effects they can cause is thoroughly documented. This list includes high blood pressure and heart disease, liver damage, cancers, strokes and blood clots, ‘roid rage’, severe mood swings and paranoia. Despite some adverse publicity from former football players, and the negative publicity about baseball players such as Rafael Palmeiro, teenagers continue to look for shortcuts to the toned and buff look that is becoming increasingly popular.

Even weight lifting itself can be dangerous to young adolescents. Experts say that properly supervised training using light weights in a controlled manner does not pose a danger to youngsters. But lifting weights that are too heavy in a jerky motion does pose “a significant risk of injury” for teens, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. A visit to any local gym will show that the majority of the impatient teens are doing exactly this in order to bulk up as quickly as possible. An injury isn’t the only risk your child faces in bodybuilding. Lifting weights puts pressure against bones, which helps adults build bone density but can inhibit bone growth in a maturing teenager.

These dangers can all be prevented through proper parental monitoring of teenagers who want to develop this toned look. When parents become aware of their teenagers desires in this regard they should first inform themselves of the various dangers involved in weightlifting, then inform the teens themselves. This should be followed by a visit to the local gym to determine the availability of proper instruction. Finally the parent should accompany the teen, set up an instructional program, and then monitor this program to ensure that the teenager is not trying to develop too quickly.

The sport of weightlifting, if done properly can be extremely enjoyable and beneficial to young teens, but only if done properly. In fact it can become part of a lifelong fitness program. However, it needs to be instructed and supervised if injuries and chronic physical problems are to be avoided and parents need to take the responsibility to see that this happens.

My concern this week is the announcement by Health Canada that they are going to make the so-called “morning after” pill a non-prescription item. This is a pill that, if taken within 72 hours of intercourse, will allow women to be 90% sure that they will not get pregnant. Women, including teenagers, will now be able to obtain this pill just by asking for it, although they may first have to be counseled briefly by the pharmacist.

The problem with this easy availability is that it may tempt teens to be less worried about the possible side effects of intercourse and indulge even more freely than they already are. In the process they may be forgetting about the other possible outcomes of unprotected intercourse, sexually transmitted diseases. Despite the sexual education courses that are available to teens in their schools, there is considerable misinformation about STD’s among the teenage population. Either they are not hearing the information provided or it is not being given in enough detail. Kids just don’t know as much about STD’s as we often think they do. Thus, by removing that one big obstacle to having sex—the possibility of getting pregnant—the government may be giving the green light to ill-informed teens to go ahead and have sex.

Parents need to be taking the opportunity provided by stories such as these to make sure that their teens are well informed. If the teens are sexually active they must still use condoms to prevent diseases that can ruin or even destroy their lives. Parents who feel that the schools are adequately providing this information are being naïve. When any stories of teenage sexual activity or habits appear in the media, parents should sit down with their teenagers and review the topic. Check on their knowledge and review the dangers. Keep it brief and informative so that it doesn’t turn into a lecture. Ask the kids straight out if they are sexually active and stay calm if you find out that they are. As a tidbit of parental information, the average age of loss of virginity these days is around 15. Don’t assume that your child would never become sexually active and dodge the issue. Use every opportunity to discuss the subject, to give your advice and to pass on information. The kids need it.

Recently, however, problems with these drugs have begun to surface. While all of these antidepressants have side effects of some type, few professionals realized that their use could possibly cause suicide in adolescents rather than preventing it. The first indicator of potential problems came from Britain late last year. On March 22, 2004 the US Food and Drug Administration concluded a review of the SSRI’s that resulted in a public health advisory being issued. Health Canada had issued a similar warning on Feb. 2 of this year. This advisory asks drug manufacturers to include a warning on their product’s labels urging careful observation of those taking these drugs.

The interesting fact about the SSRI’s is that of the entire family of drugs, only Prozac is approved for use in children in the by the US FDA and the Committee on the Safety of Medicines in Britain, while none are approved by Health Canada. On the other hand, none are specifically banned by any of these regulating authorities. As a result they are prescribed “off label” by doctors who feel that these products can help their patients. While there is very little research evidence as yet to substantiate claims either for or against the efficacy of these drugs with adolescents, doctors and mental health professionals have begun to recommend them in the hope that they can help control the very serious problem of adolescent depression.

The evidence that these drugs can lead to suicide is not strong either. Several cases in the US have occurred, but not enough to lead to any clear conclusion. It could well be that in these cases, the adolescents were suffering from the depression caused by Bipolar Disorder (manic depression), rather than from major depressive disorder. Bipolar disorder does not respond to the SSRI’s, but the symptoms are often difficult to separate from clinical depression, especially among adolescents.

The best advice that anyone can give at this point is that the use of antidepressants in adolescents should be carefully monitored for signs of severe depression or suicidal thoughts. It has always been the recommendation of most mental health professionals that if drugs are going to be used in the treatment of depression in teenagers, that it be combined with ongoing psychotherapy. This is particularly true now that doubts about the SSRI’s have surfaced. There does not seem to be any need to panic yet. Far more research needs to be done. Instead parents of depressed teens should read the FDA advisory and ensure that its recommendations are being carried out.

For those interested these recommendations were that doctors should:

• Monitor patients using these antidepressants for possible worsening of depression symptoms or suicidal thoughts or behavior, especially when drug therapy is begun or when doses are adjusted.
• Carefully evaluate patients whose depression continues to worsen, or suicidality emerges quickly or severely, to consider what action should be taken next.
• Be vigilant for symptoms including anxiety, agitation, restlessness, panic attacks, irritability, hostility, impulsiveness and mania.
• Taper patients off drugs gradually if they are discontinued.
• Screen patients thoroughly for Bipolar Disorder. Antidepressants may induce mania in these patients.
• Alert patients and their families and caregivers to be alert for problematic symptoms and to report them immediately to the doctor.